chantthis

heart the cause of it all.

2009-10-23T22:12:00.007-05:00

A way to mark 'time' is this blog... I have scattered journals - I haven't gotten back into that since moving to Lawrence. Perhaps I have made note here and there but no real writing pleas to God -- vacillating between the spiritual habits of my former years to the more recent Buddhist reason wrought in cause and effect, chanting the mystic law...

Everything has it's place. This, I guess, is an integrated place that I am in and have always been. 'Either way' it is authentic for it is where I am ~ my heart ~. It is about "and" not "but" in this lifetime. Everything that I have done up to this point has gotten me to this place... all a continuation of what has happened in my life - you cannot just suddenly cut off anything...

...Responsibility, Consistency and Compassion...

Sometimes though life seems to cut things or people off for us. I am reminded and muse: I guess you decided when you would leave us though, didn't you Charles? I miss you - the possibility of you - of us, our father daughter friend relationship - those conversations that bordered on saying things out loud that needed to be said about our family. When we spoke, I always was driven to taking some action. Thank you for that. And I breeze the surface here...

I don't want to search anymore - it is all here, in my heart. The dharma, the deeper meaning - no longer running from my experience. This moment is the most profound experience that I can have. Deep gratitude develops from that -- appreciation not comparison -- it is all beautifully orchestrated? Is it given or is it the choices that we~I make? I think it is a bit of both. Of all.

Gratitude comes from inside out.

I am listening to Michael Brown and a cd that was made for me by someone very dear to me... The songs and the clips from Brown interchange, I didn't mean for that to happen when I downloaded each cd to itunes - I was frustrated at first... Ha!
"The air tastes like flowers and paint" ~ the Weakerthans - "our wishes don't do dishes".

I was so frustrated today -- a room full of elders - confused, alone - all in various stages of this. We all are anyway but it is heightened in a long term care facility...

Drama ~ human drama ~ we need insight. How do I facilitate that? Do my own work on my emotional body... and (not but) continue to live each day. No drama ~~ dharma... understanding and accepting reality. Unified.

Approaching myself ~You~ takes maturity, responsibility. Acceptance of the moment and the joy in the Presence. The present moment - having fun in what it is -- instead of discovering this "other" stuff I do to have fun. I guess that is why the SGI pioneer members congratulate people when we find struggles in life. It is what it is about. Approaching me, my heart, so that I can accept you/me in a more authentic fashion and be the light of hope that I have a mission to be in this life.

Oh, but it gets murky!

Oh, but Buddhism resounds - the deeper the mud the brighter the bloom.

My dear hearted sister soul...

2009-07-21T23:08:00.014-05:00

Renee Alexandra Freakin' Awesome Saltzman

I mean, seriously folks, if we can't figure THIS out - oh dear. Why would they give us mittens on our hooded gowns. Silly design team!

Boggle gone plum boggled out...in a new and exciting way!
March 2009. Thanks Nathan for "introducing" us to the wonder that is known as the Konza Prairie - dawg. And thank you also for giving us (ehhem, clearing my throat) "good" 'advice' when we went on the 6 mile 'trail' months later - brilliant bucko! ;-)

Dad -- Papa Joe -- at Harry's - our favorite joint. And the feet of 3 DT's - Alissa is the the foot you are first introduced to - the one on the right. Later you will get to know mine and, more importantly, Renee's.

January 2009
Trip to Colorado to see Lainie!! and Graaaaaacie!!!!

We discovered that there really is tumble weed - we saw lots go across the highway and wondered, truly, "where are you going Mr. Tumbleweed?" Notice our nonchalant stance - 'band picture'... Zing!

December 2008
Did I introduce you to 'Brokey Hat' - her favorite hat that nobody can rock like Renee ROCKS. I mean it IS 'Brokey Hat' after all. Oh, and she takes 'flashy' photos of herself. :-) The balloons in the back right upper corner - she got for me for my birthday and left outside my door for me to find - kinda freaked me out but hey! How sweet is she?? Yeah, I know.

Pretty much speaks for itself...herSelf.

November 2008
my b-day.

Semester begins 2008

Summer - 2008 Orlando - the Boggle championships begin...

May 2008 - "Johnny's coming Home" - after Speak Out for Military Kids Interactive Theatre: Serving at Home

December 2007

... - She thinks she can flip flop warm weather into existence. I tend to hold onto the cold...

September 2007

August 2007 Little Apple Brewery - the park - Target - getting office keys - bond Begins...

Wishing you the HAPPIEST OF BIRTHDAIES. (spell check is brooken)
Truly...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY RENEE
~ DEAR HEART ~
I love you too muchy...

gracioustenaciousme!

2009-07-08T23:09:00.006-05:00

I made it to yoga - holiday for the all Bikram students tomorrow so - I will find another challenge for my after work reality. Oh dear...work on my paper?

The discovery: or reinforcement of a past discovery: If I think about it, I OFTEN won't or don't.

This I find is true of my Bikram class, chanting, having difficult conversations...less the later these days but still. Notice a theme between the three?

They are ALL good for me. HaHA! Sheesh. I do have a headache tonight - not enough H2O today for as much as one sweats in a Bikram 'torture chamber'. Truly - I feel so much better after class. I had a real challenge of reining in my thoughts - kept thinking of work...mainly.

Camel posture has been VERY good to me - helps to release what I have stored in my chest...

- pain seems to harbor there.
I think I hear a ships horn.

Speaking of horns...the wildebeest, native to Africa...no,no silly, the train!

I miss being able to hear the trains at night - I could hear them everywhere I lived in KC - save Merriam, KS - someone told me I live on the wrong side of Lawrence to hear the train. So, I guess I need to move toward the river to get my train toots.

Interesting what sounds comfort each one of us.

I loved cool summer eves at Grandma and Grandpa Pruett's house - sleeping out on the pullout in the living room.

The windows open to a town steeped in railroad history...the train was just loud enough...

my head on the squishy foam-like pillow that was oddly comfortable. Watching TV as quietly as possible so as not to wake grandma or grandpa in the next room - this after an evening of Cubs, Kings on the Corner/Old Maid/Solitaire, grandpa blaming his... passing of the gas on Estee (the dog) and for me he'd say,

"Violet, did you see that motor boat go through here?"

She'd laugh, me too...7Up with a straw, sugar cookies, WGN/local news, Walker Texas Ranger/Murder She Wrote/Dallas (time seems to mix here - the memories)...the humble home of a farmer and his wife on N. Academy...days gone by...

Big adventures ahead - I hope I do my best to stay out of any kind of self induced comas.

I guess you must know that state to graciously appreciate being alert.

I visited with Jean. a resident in her mid 90's, who told me, unsolicited, that she wished me the best of luck figuring things out - in life. She said,

"...we've all been there - where you are now..."

Opening Day.

2009-07-06T22:56:00.005-05:00

Play ball! Yep, I did. Well I kicked around a balloon or two during "Exercise with Carol" - the 10 AM group. The calendar for July is set at the nursing home. I will be responsible for August. Apparently on Fridays Carol dresses up like Gene Simmons - wait is that how you spell it - or is that the guy from KISS? Or do they, in fact, have the same name? Can you imagine those two guys on the same stage? OH! It is Richard Simmons. Oh dear.

I discovered some very interesting souls today...we have a centenarian that I have yet to meet though...one woman who will be 96 in early August and another that was a published author...and...a self professed "city slicker" born in Chicago...a couple, a Reverend and his wife...and...

I discovered some of the folks who seldom come out of their rooms as I delivered the mail. It reminded me of the children's song "The Mail Must Go Through"..."no matter if it's rain or shine, the mail must go through" - it was on a cd my little brother had when he was little. I sang a little bit of the tune to one woman, reclined in her chair - rather "non-communicative". She brightened up a bit, I must say. And so did I. We held hands a moment...I love those moments - words fail.

Tenderness.

My grandmother is doing much better on Aricept and has been able to move from the more advanced stage Alzheimer's unit to "Memory Lane" (chuckle to myself) which is for early stages. Mom said they talked for nearly 45 minutes and grandma is "tickled pink" and is having the time of her life. I guess she has signed up for every trip that she can possibly sign up for there.

That makes my heart so glad.

(Suffice it to say that I did NOT take those pictures of Gene or of Richard. I did take the picture of my grandma last summer. That is the last time, I believe, she was to work on a quilt. She took a major downturn a few days later. I wish the Gene/Richard pics were smaller in relation to grandma, but too late in the eve to go back and alter.)

Mom thought I'd be able to take my residents out on trips, which she mentioned to grandma. But I don't think so, most of the residents are too frail in body...it is a long term care/skilled nursing facility after all. I have no idea exactly what I will do at present - I am just hoping to really be inspired and inspiring - a load of thoughts followed that simple 'sentence'...

It hit me a few times today that I am staring impermanence in the face.

It helped me deal with the fact that every time I go to the laundry mat some item of clothing is messed up somehow. So simple, so trite even but strangely attached to some sort of freedom.

It seems very few things are built to truly last - including us. We are NOT meant to be here forever - in this way. I have been watching some episodes of "Jurassic Fight Club" with my friend Nathan - I think it is on the History channel. Super interesting show. Really puts perspective on time for sure. And how we are but a blip on this planet.

Going into some of the resident rooms today - seeing how life's possessions are pared down to a few items and relationships and your memories. Yet they still get excited over stuffed animals at BINGO. Well, those that attend and like to play that game - it was tough to see the ladies that had ONE spot left to fill but the game was over.

"Well, I guess we will need to come back next time,"I said to Gladys with a grin. She looked up at me and nodded with a smile.

New Job. "Same as it ever was..."

2009-07-05T22:16:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow I start a new job. I have been in graduate school - otherwise known at this given moment a "The Great Space Coaster". That show just came to mind but I only have vague recollection of it (the show and the last 2 years) right now.

As I typed the title to this entry the lyrics came up for the Talking Heads song "Once in a Lifetime". I was pleasantly surprised that my mind came up with something entertaining - that is not the word...erm, cool? Yeah, maybe that is it - cool daddy. I just need to relax, I was trying to remember how I started working at my last "adult" job. I think that is when the lyrics came up.

I will have a brand new team to work with now. I hope that I have the chops to do what they expect me to do there. Oh, dear.

Okay, I just had to go look up the theme song for "The Great Space Coaster" - that will cheer anybody up I guarantee it.

I haven't had a drop to drink since last Wednesday or a cigarette, yep smoking. 'Additive' free does not mean addiction free folks. Sheesh. The puffing runs in my immediate family...I wonder if it is true that people who smoke have less dopamine receptors and so need more of substances to feel 'better'? Haha - oh dear me, this line of 'logic'!

I have started back to Bikram yoga. Yeah, baby. Torture at it's finest. Amazing to be back in the hot room after 5 years or so. It is so like like, you think you have to get one part right to work on the rest but the reality is that you have to work on it all at once - like a painting - but you do just continue to check in with the different parts...

I also spent a lovely time today at SGI in Kansas City today - so good to be back at the community center. And to be around so many people that were genuinely happy to see me and interested in what is going on in my life...deep appreciation and gratitude. Now go back and watch the Great Space Coaster video with me. :-)

Leadbelly

2009-06-26T22:40:00.003-05:00

Been listening to him lately - blues = the truth, pain blended with a drop of hope. Not much to write tonight. Feeling pretty low. Heart hurts and inarticulate. You can look up Leadbelly's version but I am feeling this one tonight.

The return.

2009-05-06T10:12:00.002-05:00

Alas, I am in the final push in Manhattan, KS. I passed my oral final exam - completed my final report. What is left?

Women and Aging - response to readings, final paper and final exam -

Theories of Personality - research proposal, that will be an incomplete for I cannot get it done before the 15th - oh well. I blame it on normal Neurotic tendencies.

Then pack and move back home to KC - hoping for this 'tree house' - 3rd floor of a mansion in old Valentine. It is too good to be true, except for the sketchy foot traffic and potential for sirens all night. But a great community with heart otherwise - super great neighbors we met... Hope, hope. Right around the corner from the Uptown.

Find gainful EMPLOYMENT - preferably somewhere I can be working on my hours toward my RDT - Registry in Drama Therapy.

Drama Therapy and Ethics - this first week of June and bittersweetly I depart from this place that has taught me so much - more so in hindsight per usual ~~ perhaps.

Yikes stripes.

"No,no be of good cheer, if science teaches us anything it teaches us to accept our failures as well as our successes with ..."

Obituary Assignment: Women and Aging Course

2009-04-10T10:52:00.004-05:00

Obituary:
Pilar Iona D’Asto (November 4, 1976 – May 15, 2062)

Pilar requested excerpts from her favorite poem be printed here in hopes that you recall what means the most to you in life and that you will go after it with fullness of heart…

What they had to leave us—a symbol:
A symbol perfected in death.
And all shall be well and
All manner of thing shall be well
By the purification of the motive
In the ground of our beseeching…

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time…

T.S. Elliot's The Little Gidding

Icky.

2009-04-09T21:57:00.003-05:00

If I were any more wound up I would ... I don't know what. All over the place and nowhere at all. The end of my graduate school career is coming to a close and I am a wreck - I perceive it that way anyway.

Is some kicking ass around the corner - some potential within myself that I JUST DON'T feel right now going to emerge?

I am at a loss of what tool to use

and I need to have the method figured OUT by NOW!

But life morphs as new things happen and people emerge. I feel horrible. I should be happy. I am really tired of life frankly. Can you believe that? I don't BELIEVE that I am thinking that truly.

Emptiness.

My downstairs neighbor is blaring his TV. I want my own house...???

Honestly. I miss Deva.

What is it going to take for me to not go through this shit anymore - the illusions of my own mind? I think this time of year is difficult - yes, Spring time or should be feeling like it - lots of storms today - nice - but I would have had a child at this time of year. Weird, I think I have cellular memory or something. I am so sleepy and hungry. I guess I better stop this rant - this is the lowest I think I have gotten on here or allowed myself to anyway.

My decisions affect other people - I HATE that I get so confused and selfish or something. What can I do?

Why am I so tired? Overcome with worry. Yuck.

Basically:
Creative Project paper due NOW! Sorry Sally - goal is Sunday.
Theories of Personalities research proposal due this Wed. - sorely behind...
Women and Aging - ongoing - started class late, already behind - great class though...
Took job in NYC for 40,000 - rent is 1,000 - major doubts...
Teaching/Grading left to do - feel like I am failing my students -
How to store things when I move - Do I want to move? No, I don't...
Did not expect to meet and fall for someone that actually lives in the same zip code.
Not taking care of myself spiritually and physically...emotionally - not enough rest.
Don't want this to end.
Not ready.
Disorganized and in debt.

How do I challenge this?

What does my HEART want?

To be settled - really - I know there are a lot of 'opportunities' in NYC but what about what I CREATE right here? Somewhere 'affordable'...

Need to call mom - she didn't answer - she would tell me, "Everything looks better after a good nights sleep." Maybe that is what I need. And tears...

Bless.

While There is Life There is Hope

2009-03-22T01:51:00.003-05:00

Written last night, March 21: Today my brother's 4th son was born, Shane Thomas, entering the world at 7lbs and 3oz. I think about his little fingers and the coo's I hope to experience soon. Amazing.

Currently I am watching the end of a PBS Frontline program on the end of life entitled "Living Old". So many issues to consider when bringing life into the world. I have an interview at Menorah Home and Hospital in Brooklyn, NY coming this Friday. I have been having lots of questions about my journey and what is next.

This week was Spring Break - I dealt with it irresponsibly I do think - on one hand but then on the other - I really relaxed and allowed myself to take enjoy life with my friends. It is back to the real issues - or should I say issues that can be measured more distinctly. I just sure hope that I am able - I had a sense of distant confidence emerge somewhere within - to get all done. But I should really want to learn to manage time better - it is so elusive to me.

So, what really matters? I am not sure I am very clear on that but I am trying to be open to it. Funny though that today I called a mentor of mine to see if we could get together to talk about spiritual discernment - when she called me back I didn't answer because - well one I was just getting the news of Shane but also, I guess I still needed to hold on to the darkness a bit.

Light and dark are both necessary.

Seminal Hunger

2009-03-09T01:49:00.007-05:00

This weekend is coming to a close. I am so grateful for my comfy blog. I didn't realize all the new "gadgets" that I could put up here, in changing my template I did lose links. It warned me though that I might "lose" some data or whatever it is called - "how polite" I thought. Yet I still did not think to make a copy of my HTML - I want to learn more about that though.

Ange, your page rocks so hard - well YOU do anyhow. Next thing I need to add is the running/miles challenge! Yeah my running shoes just peeked around the corner and said, "hip hip!" You know what to say, come on...

I talked to the eldest of my nephews, Miles, (age 6 for one more week) on the phone today. I asked him to guess who was here visiting me - he said, "Grandpa Joe" to which I asked how he knew and he said,

"Lucky guess".

I got a fair amount done this weekend - my Dad, Papa Joe, is visiting. It is like having a magical leprechaun around, seriously... On Thursday morning I woke up and he had put yellow streamers criss crossed around the kitchen. The doorway is just off my bedroom - so I had to duck and step over the crepe paper to get into the room. In the center of the kitchen was a note saying and I paraphrase, that I was prepared to meet whatever challenges there were to come to pass in my day.

It is so clear we are related - though THAT is creative! And therapeutic indeed.

As I came into the kitchen he wasn't quite done taping the last streamer to the floor. He was bent over but looked up to see me and hopped, with both feet out of sheer surprise and "shucks I ALMOST was done!" It was ridiculously precious, I could hardly stand it - that little HOP with two feet - so like a kid.

Everything, of course turned out that day - albeit stressful - eh, a subject to examine further - how I have been dealing with stress of late. Well, briefly, a step at a time and monitor for a lack of celebration in the little accomplishments. It is SO easy for me to just, "ok great - that MASSIVE project is done, now MOVING ON" and not recognize what I did get "done" on the proverbial and LITERAL list. I must tenderly address this for -

this is significant.

Friday we got to see lovely Sarah's play, her creative project, MS: My Secret. A non-fiction play about having MS - she was diagnosed last December...then out and about with friends, one that I had not seen in MONTHS. Renee and I had tried to connect with her but to no avail.

It was very good. A pure and simple thing - friendship.

We went to the Rock-A-Belly-Deli and sat in just the spot where I had worked last Tuesday - well, the bartender (who reminds me of my grade school "boyfriend") found my pen I'd lost that night! Ha - an entire story there though. We ent to a gathering in honor of Sarah. Oh Manhattan, it was such a fresh evening, the air filtered by the rain. Saturday...relaxed and watched Meet Joe Black - hmmmmm - dunno about that one...interesting. Today, mass with Dad and Trish... and lots of computer time - emails...working on the program, power point and questions for the storytelling evening this Friday at Meadowlark...sent resume and cover letter for a job that -

I am surprised to experience - bodily - how much I want.
A mentor guided to really "listen to what energizes you".
Funny the things we know but need others to remind us.

Dad and I took a walk. The signs of Spring are popping up everywhere. There was a

halo around the moon.

Dad and I talked about automatic thoughts and tricks to deal with them...eyes to the right, then to the left then 360 degrees, then... and then,

sing Happy Birthday to yourself.

Sounds nearly more reasonable than one of my favorite kids from shelter telling me that if I sang "Who Let the Dogs Out" it would remove what prior song I had stuck in my head...

Try that one.

And now, I feel just the pang of sincere hunger in my belly that I must satiate or no matter how tired I am I will not be able to fall asleep. But I just had to get this down.

Seminal moments abound...

I don't know right now. Amazing. You are.

2009-03-03T23:15:00.004-06:00

Well, it is quiet now. I can hear the train in the background. I see the coin spinning...and spinning. Oh, to be in the spin. Is there comfort to be found there? Wisdom of some kind certainly. I think about wanting to move to New York City, well the dream being unveiled from my childhood. I then compare the vision to pictures I just saw of my friend in his home in CA as well as his trip to Hawaii. I think of my step-brother Glenn, "So, you are a city girl huh?". I don't know really. I remember not feeling very city-like on a training day for my Marathon years ago now - an 8 mile day along the Lake Shore Drive and really not getting inspiration from the skyline or even the lapping ice crusted waves of Lake Michigan. I think too of my Coach as I decided to do San Diego over Alaska Marathon, I knew the former would be far more distracting or motivating or fun due to all the music. But why not be motivated by the possibility of seeing a moose on a more solitary run? I guess I am just not there yet. Or solitary discipline can be developed anywhere. I don't know right now. That is the theme here. I had to go up and put the title in for this. Being at a kind of crossroads or of not knowing is indeed a place. A holy place. But far less exciting then the other parts perhaps. The visits to a possible new home and the discovery of new friends and places to see and things to do and ways to contribute...contribute...the word hangs there in the space - right NOW. How do I contribute? What the heck does it mean. My entire creative project for my Master's has been based on this idea of a contributive life. My storytellers are in their mid to late 80's. Amazing. Amazing what we often CANNOT see about ourselves. The value that we each bring. I have been very overwhelmed lately with my own contribution, not being enough - I hesitate to go on because I become keenly aware of my ego and some guilt trips me into, paradoxically, focusing back - off of me. Amazing. Ok maybe that is the rest of the title of this - Amazing. I will put it up there. Well, not everything that repeats needs to be in the title though, huh? See how easy it is for me to digress? I have been humbled this week but fear seems to drag me down the street every chance it gets. Insidious. Fear. Fear. Fear. fear. Fear that I am not enough. Paralyzes my full potential - I wonder how fear can still be locked like interwoven fibers to my being - malignant - yet, knowing that I am so loved. I guess a part of it is really feeling the futility of "it" all - this existence? But still I love - deeply. Is a blog about going back and making sure that this all makes sense? I appreciate the indirect encouragement I have gotten from my dear friend who has such a meaningful blog that I can hardly stand to read it - reminds me of all the things I feel I am not doing while simultaneously bringing such delight to my heart that she is making such a cause for transformative change in the lives of the 12th graders she educates...spends time with...gets to know, truly and encourages. You all are fortunate and somehow I think that you know this. She is the real deal. So, I guess there are some things I do know. That You are Amazing and you keep me going - you, my friend and You this Divine reflection that I must hold on to and recognize out loud as Present. There is so much yet to be done - why is that such a daunting thought? I better get back to the Now and see what I can contribute - even if it is recognizing that I need to put my head on the pillow for the night knowing you get more of me when I am rested. Good night and ... remember, YOU are Amazing - no matter what or how you try to think yourself otherwise.

a saved draft that needs to be set free

2008-10-11T01:18:00.015-05:00

Depression hanging around - I heard a friend of mine describe it as "lapping at my feet". The image is strong - standing on the beach or on a rock - alone. What do the waves consist of anyway? A lack of hope?

It is a fog in the mind that I feel - or like I have blinders on. What I am blinding myself from? How much is a genetic component? What do I compare it to anyway?

I need a whole new paradigm. . . maybe. . .

I need to APPLY what I have learned -

for example, and I am actually sick of referring to this - my marathon. I was so clear headed then. Well, in retrospect I was. I had moved into the first apartment of my own, working. . . I didn't drink at all during that time or very little anyway. My head was so clear

or rather

my intention

was

single minded.

A friend of mine just arrived with stinky food after being out at the bar. Wow.

I have PBS on in the background which is comforting.

Yet now I notice it more directly and am inspired thusly:

Micro-loans in Uganda. As a result, a women able to take care of her children...

Then comes a tangent regarding the U.S. - people in the 'ghetto' work to get out of the ghetto through education - understandable - but then don't take responsibility (i.e. move OUT of the ghetto never to look back).
I don't know if it wrong. . .but. . .

How do I mirror this behavior in my own life?

Buddhism 'vs'. Christianity

Do they contain one another?

Western - live in the past and think about the future (?)
Eastern - live in the NOW. (?)

Did I choose my DNA to expiate my karma?
Did I choose my culture?

Objective. Subjective.

Need to close for now. Too many questions and too much wine. whine? peace.

Mercy.

2008-10-07T00:04:00.007-05:00

I AM a mama - fierce burning on the INside
prepared to defend
and comfort and
guide again ...
and again.

You knew I would be bountiful.
now send me my liege
let me create with
dignity, Now, and
humanity
evolving to understanding, accepting.
Clear Guide from You.

Sending Holy Fire
seeing holy double ended rainbows
NeverEnding mercy. I will point you
out every moment I get ~ my Love.
You are most Precious and generous and
Abundant and
words mixed with perfect silence.
Echoes the beginning and ending
of Time.

I AM a mama - fierce burning on the INside
prepared to defend
and comfort and
guide again ...
and again.

I know I Am You.
What kind of sacrifice
do you bless,
make holy, my brief choice
in my mortal coil?

Where are You now?

I AM a mama - fierce burning on the INside
prepared to defend
and comfort and
guide again ...
and again.

Black Muddy River, Roll On Forever...

2008-10-05T21:11:00.007-05:00

This song has been in my head so much today, I remember it playing in the radio the day that Jerry died. August 9, 1995 - I was living at my mom and step dad's home in Charlotte, NC for the summer, going to UNC-Charlotte to get British Literature under my belt for my "fits and starts" undergrad degree.

I aced it.

I recall I was taking 'focus meds' at the time, but that is not the sole reason I did well though it sure helped - everything was so fascinating. My frontal lobe was in full force - I don't use those meds anymore though there are times I miss the intensity. It propelled me wildly past my anxiety. Alas, I recognize anxiety is a necessary part of the equation though I may be on a slightly higher frequency than I'd like. It IS fun to focus - to be so wrapped up in one issue toward a solution

- all intellect reigned in to decipher patterns, connections and conclusions.

But then, you see, I am the sort that needs to be listening for the wild animal that may be encroaching on my space, my family and friends. Rx does not allow you to be 'distracted' very easily if it is doing it's job. . . that experience was almost 14 years ago, but I hope, that I will continue to hone my natural bent and evolve my tendencies where needed - learning how to walk the line of focus and distraction. So far graduate school has put me to the 'test' - I am not sure how much I have really 'improved'.

I still get so off track -

my intentions blown by the wind.

I walk down the street and wonder what used to be where that new strip mall is being put in. My friend mused, "Ahhhhh progress" - I hardly feel that way. How do I function in this world - when I'd rather be in a different system of interaction - more simple and pure. Sheesh, not that I don't have the animal tendencies, I do, I know that but how might I broaden my consciousness living here? Oh, there is the old, it must be an EXTREME CHANGE NOW or is isn't worth anything. No, I say to the renegade within, a step at a time. . . or maybe I am just ignorant (= frightened). I hear Thom Yorke of Radiohead screaming,

"you can be frightened. . . you can be frightened. . . IT'S OKAAAY!"

Yesterday I missed my turn, I think I mentioned in another post, and ended up at a new park. Deva got to romp off leash, which was my intension for that to be the case - someone. On our way back a dog came to greet us, the owner was 30 or so feet from where I was and I couldn't make out what she was doing - tying her shoe? holding a child? She got up and headed toward us - it was another dog, 13 years old I found out - she had a towel under the hind quarters so the dog could walk along - there was no mobility in the back legs due to cancer. "It happened very quickly," she said and that

"today is the day ~ we are saying goodbye."

I touched her shoulder gently, no true eye contact, she had sunglasses, but soul contact. I told her, "I understand, we lost Alex that fast -

my heart is with you" - it is. . .

Deva and I made our way past the young woman and her two dogs - the other, Jabber, who greeted us first she had adopted 13 months ago - a month before I got Deva. My car was positioned so that I could take in one last breath of the human/canine family. Jabber standing, in the moment, ready and the woman, sitting again, leaning over her other companion - saying goodbye.

I have struggled the last 4 months or so with whether I made a rash decision with adopting Deva. She has a great penchant for anxiety - I wasn't sure I was fit to guide her, still not positive. But today she is with me, she is my companion, my first dog of my own. I prayed for "a dog of my very own", I guess the Universe felt I was prepared? Thanks God. Like Mother Teresa was quoted saying something to the effect of: I just wish God didn't trust me so much.

The pics are from the walk with Deva today - the rose garden is still blooming and it is October folks. I say that but, in my non-linear sensibility- I accept it. Rather, my soul understands, I pray I learn to listen more closely. . .

And so, Rober Hunter's lyrics:

When the last rose of summer pricks my finger
And the hot sun chills me to the bone
When I can't hear the song for the singer
And I can't tell my pillow from a stone

I will walk alone by the black muddy river
And sing me a song of my own
I will walk alone by the black muddy river
And sing me a song of my own

When the last bolt of sunshine hits the mountain
And the stars start to splatter in the sky
When the moon splits the southwest horizon
With the scream of an eagle on the fly

I will walk alone by the black muddy river
And listen to the ripples as they moan
I will walk alone by the black muddy river
And sing me a song of my own

Black muddy river
Roll on forever
I don't care how deep or wide
If you got another side
Roll muddy river
Roll muddy river
Black muddy river roll

When it seems like the night will last forever
And there's nothing left to do but count the years
When the strings of my heart start to sever
And stones fall from my eyes instead of tears

I will walk alone by the black muddy river
And dream me a dream of my own
I will walk alone by the black muddy river
And sing me a song of my own
And sing me a song of my own

No pics just links, a quote and Me, as I AM.

2008-10-04T21:55:00.007-05:00

Here I Am,

Returning to my crippled blog that I once wrote 'in' ~ fairly ~ honestly.

Why have I stopped using it as a tool through which to express my humanity?

I guess I am afraid you will read it, or you or you and 'judge' me
- who cares? It is liberating, NOW and, at best, it may offer light
on some issue for You - that we share in this humantiy.

Thank You for your encouragement to return.

I have shared such dark times in the trough and such high peaks of the wave, my life. And it helped me. How? One, to get it outside of myself. Two, I met you and you and you came by and commented and supported me. No matter what, you found the light in the darkness. Oh, such a sophomoric metaphor or is it? I think Joseph Campbell would disagree - somehow he is a compass - he would ask, "What myth are you?"

And I do wonder.

I am leading a storytelling troupe, for my creative project, at Meadowlark, a retirement home here in Manhattan, KS. I have not a clue what I am doing. That Campbell quote came up as I scramble to discover where to go next with them. . . Where to go next. . . already on my mind and I don't 'graduate' until this Spring (though I'll have one class to complete in the Summer). Where will I go. Who cares?

Why do I need to know?

There seems to be two ways to go - knowing and NOT knowing. I think of Martina Hoffmann, artist, going off to 'live as an artist' - she ultimately met her husband - and he her, in Spain, I think. She could have only met him -----oooh a gnat is attempting to disturb me, how apropos ------ thank you. . . What I mean is,

how do we trust life?

How do I trust life. Be Here NOW? Fully and not 'worry'. Funny because that is the theme for the NADT conference this year, this is my first conference.

I think I need to "get inside" myself - that is what my mother would tell me and so echoes one of my mentors here, of Mind,Body,Spirit Massage, Patricia - Trish. . . funny she has the same name as my dear yoga teacher from Kansas City. Oh how I miss KC in it's own way, in particular SGI and the Yoga Gallery, Patricia Gray. I have 'finally' started going back to yoga class, for my individual practice was arrested. A theme that is coming up in my life is that I know more than I give myself credit for knowing. It was sweet on Tuesday the "YogaFit" instructor asked me if I had any input on a question her student was asking about.

I answered and I really surprised myself,

the wisdom that I shared - truly evidence of the teachers I have had over the years. The good training I think - to know it is NOT about how "far" you go in a posture, it is an individual practice, we do not compare ourselves to anyone else, including ourselves from another day. . .

Not feeling particularly well. I took Deva for a walk today - I was going to take her to the Top of the World Park but I got sidetracked, missed my turn and ended up somewhere new, Warner Park. It was nice, in a residential area, a family flying a kite, I imagined I was in California for some reason. We walked for about 30 minutes, she was winded and I was hungry - it was warm today. I saw a gardener snake - well, my friend says that is what it is 'called'. I got to lamenting that it is just a few days over a year that Deva has been in my life and I know that I wouldn't have been out hiking if it weren't for her. Is it so bad to have a reason outside of myself to

breakthrough my own limitations of what is possible in a day?

Is it a weakness to need another being in my life? A dog. . . a man. . . a friend. . . a lover. . . "in the fullness of time" I quote my grade school friend who then has quoted another. . . and on and on to the beginning of time.

That seems a fitting place to leave you, the beginning of time.

What was present then? Silence and all sound that would ever take place - all the groans associated with natural birth - how much should we 'protect' ourselves from the pain of daily living and the moments of great heights and depths. . . oh, it is all the same isn't it. As is echoed by many faiths though I recently read in Eat, Pray, Love a Balinese healer noted that Love is found in both heaven and hell. . . in particular Nichiren Buddhism teaches that every life state contains the other. Alright, I have no clever way to wrap up - it just Is and I AM yours, You are mine . . sorry, this will have to do.

Deeply, I thank You.

Just go, even if you are "scared sh*tless" - don't be afraid of your power - comes through me now or from within Me - I gave it to You, for goodness sake.

So, actually, I will end with a quote that came to me this week, for what it is worth in how you define each term:

When we are working at a difficult task and strive after a good thing, we are fighting a righteous battle, the direct reward of which is that we are kept from much evil.
~ Vincent Van Gogh

unfinished...

2008-03-30T20:01:00.007-05:00

Where does hope reside?
How can one make it grow?

"...Winter always turns to Spring..."

Sure, but I just can't wait around.
I have to do something about it. Right?

Does the earth get a cluttered feeling inside?
What does she do to change it? Or is it
necessary, somehow?

The heart of it.
The heart of it.
The heart of it.

One of my mother's oldest friends died last night - I've known her since I can remember. Her family lived one block over from us, from my childhood home. My mother has lost several dear, dear friends in the last handful of years. My mother's name, Ruth, means "most compassionate friend" and she is. She nursed her dearest, longtime friend into her death nearly 10 years ago. And this, most recent friend, when she visited her, brushed her teeth - Pat could no longer do this for herself. This kind of compassionate action takes such courage. Such faith. Faith and courage are 2 sides of the same coin.

This is what we need, this is what we all need in this lonely world. Everything, moving so fast - easy to buy in to that. But then something happens to you to slow you down...illness, aging...

So, what is the present time then? What can I make of it? What am I waiting for anyway? How is it that some moments ring so clear and other moments are as muddy as the bottom of a river. Am I the bottom of the river?

I am so heart sick for Pat's family - she was the most active of the marital union - to be 'left behind' is something I cannot fathom. I know that that is only one way to see it - being 'left' but it is a stark, stark reality to wake up without the person you have been with for 40, 50, 60 plus years. I have had recent conversations with an 80 year old widow and 80 plus year old widower - he lost his wife 9 months ago, she lost her husband 10 years ago. It is a crucial time after losing someone, "will I go on without you here?"

We all have opportunities to ask that question in life, don't we? Regarding so many things. In a mini-lecture offered repeatedly each year by the Earth - Fall, Winter, Spring, Summer (repeat). This course is more drastically measured for those of us in true 4 season parts of the country. But I don't know if it makes us better equipped to deal with impermanence.

So, a mini-lecture:
Winter, turns to Spring.

The heart of it.
The heart
of impermanence.

But "do I ever see you again?"

I'm not sure that is the point anymore.

Earth tell me your secrets of patience.
Show me your strength of heart.
Courage is surest of paths, I know.
And faith is what it takes to go on...

But somehow it wrenches my heart to let go...

...as a child...

2008-03-10T01:00:00.005-05:00

...I recall playing "feed the animals." This was in Galesburg, Illinois where the dirt is black and raspberry bushes magically appear in the back of your yard. I would imagine the 'animals' would appreciate some help foraging so I would gather grass, prairie flowers and other various tiny weeds into a little clump and set it under the swing. I am not sure why that was "the" spot but it was. I would play outside till I almost peed my pants - I just didn't want to go inside - I might miss something! I would play so long and get so thirsty - I would see just how long I could go until I knew savoring the water would be unbearably delightful. I think too the withholding water had something to do with sacrifice and my Catholicism. I thought of these days of my childhood one because of a recent Playback Theatre workshop and an intentional shift in my approach to dietary nourishment of late. Perhaps a seemingly odd coupling. In my workshop we were to share a "childhood game" we played - and our partner would then play my telling back to me. What an honor really, how spiritual her interpretation of the experience - how precious that child appeared embodied by my playback partner. Another part of the memory is that along with getting that cool glass of water, I often would gnaw on a piece of lettuce. Who was that child born and reared in a meat and potato family. Whey was there lettuce in the fridge for I do not recall eating it in the dinner offering? Rather we had overcooked green beans for the most part as the representatives of the plant nation. How did the child that intuitively craved lettuce also crave sugar, an addiction that ultimately won out for most of my life? I think the sugar was a more 'consistent' delivery of energy and was more readily available in the home of my childhood. I brought kale into the home of my single, young adulthood today - it is such a majestic looking plant! I remember eating a cooked version on break at Tally's Green Grocery where I worked the summer of '96 or so in Charlotte, NC. The impulse didn't stay because the emotional connection to communion in common foods won out largely in those days but I did begin gently experimenting. There were other issues at hand at the time I felt I needed to focus on and I chose not to introduce my family to some of the wondrous dietary behavior I experienced and observed at Tally's. Well, that may be a little too strict...I do think, in hindsight that I created some subtle waves of change...but fear of 'normalcy','comfort', and 'convenience' seems to have worn down the intuitively correct impulses that I am making effort to unearth these last 12 years. My effort now is more pointed as I connect to the compassionate child that fed the imaginary 'animals' and intuitively knew lettuce was the best snack.

Emerge

2008-02-28T00:17:00.002-06:00

You mighty warrior, votary of the King of Sutras.

Now is your time to speak with voice Bodhisattva strong
and Pure Light.
One in mind with the clarion call in this the Latter Day.

Responsibility, wake up! It is yours today what we all seek
this irrepressible Joy.

You mighty warrior, Lion King, votary of the
King of Sutras, this perfect
Lotus.

Now is the time, Now is
always the time...

...to breakthrough the dry earth like the serpent of a millennium ago
gone to sleep after great battle for the truth in Maya.

You mighty warrior, now is this time to roar from within,

this Past, Present and Future mix

brought to Now with the greatest of all vehicles,
this Lotus Sutra.

One in mind with you,
you mighty warrior for unity and peace.

No room....

2007-11-04T23:54:00.000-06:00

...for "if only!"... Today was a great day, with intention for it, no matter what.

why wait?

2007-10-28T00:41:00.000-05:00

It's not in my nature to complain
but I must get your attention
somehow, it's for your own good.
After all, you bought me. I was there
for you, I stayed unrolled so nicely, if
I might add ... Yes, I was there for you
through injury, months of training,
surgery, spiritual crisis and heartbreak.
Oh, how I miss your breath of fire,
lion roars and sighs...
how you cared for me with tea tree oil -
which I know you appreciated in child's pose.
You were so faithful, but what can I do?
I can't unroll myself to invite you to
take care of yourself in a way that only
I provide. I will wait, with patience,
for you to get miserable
or wise.

...do not give up...

2007-10-07T21:17:00.000-05:00

...even when you want to...keep fighting, keep going...on to the other side so you know IT IS POSSIBLE. And it is. Right friend? Sometimes it gets really lonely on this road. How about a dog? Sound good? Yeah, so introducing Deva my new companion animal. I got her a week ago Saturday from the Airedale Terrier Rescue and Adoption folks, ATRA for short. I had seen little girl several months ago but I didn't have the right conditions for her. She is as sweet as she looks. The stiff "pirate" leg doesn't seems to hinder her too much - it was broken as a pup and her "owners" neglected to get medical attention. I think she may have been hit my a car - she is getting a bit better on walks whereas she was started by each passerby...She may get on this thing and write every now and again - she seems to have a penchant for poetry.

A New Chapter and the same blog, for now...

2007-08-20T00:55:00.000-05:00

I have moved from Merriam, KS (Kansas City area)and have started my life in Manhattan, KS. This last week I had 3 days of a "crash course" in teaching 100 level college Public Speaking...my mother noted, "...if only those parents knew". She and I do have similar humor so this was not meant to belittle, she knows I am qualified for the challenge...I flow in and out of agreeing - it is rather humorous though. I worked in a homeless shelter for youth the last 4 years and 2 as a Case Manager - I think my work prepared me more than I realize. I am a Graduate Teaching Assistant (GTA)and the pic is of some of my peers, many of them participated in "forensics" in high school or whatever and now are also coaches at K-State. What? I still am trying not to relate "forensic" to CSI, of course...I sort of get that it is some competitive speaking...from Strengths Based case management to GTA/student of Theatre and Drama Therapy. The ladies on the left were in "forensics" and the three of us on the right are all in the Drama Therapy (DT) program. Ah, yes! That is why I am here - the GTA covers my tuition, thankfully but I am here to study DT!!! My first class: Creative Arts Therapies is tomorrow and my first class I teach is Tues. (shwew!)...Okay, my almonds are wearing off I need to go to bed - yeah, almonds are a great choice if hungry before bed...

...pin points...

2007-07-14T18:32:00.000-05:00

what's the use?

2007-05-31T21:01:00.000-05:00

Really, why keep hoping that we'll win really WIN the big one someday? But is that the point - no, not really. I am holding on to something familiar. I recall as a little girl sitting with my Grandpa Pruett on the arm of his chair getting my Cubs education. The learning was not through a lot of talking - the discussions were mainly with my older brother - we ate Steak and Shake and just rooted as we could either hooting over Dawson or hollering over Zimmer. I soon moved to the floor so I could play solitaire simultaneously as he did on his "desk" on his lap which was an old cardboard that you set a sheetcake on to serve. He had packs and packs of cards in his drawer that grandma saved up for him...I'm not sure when he knew a deck was "done", I guess the cards just got too soft to shuffle. Only on occasion things got so bad on the tv he'd shut it off - I generally had gotten distracted anyway and was off seeing what Grandma was working on because she had long gone gotten "disgusted" that day. Grandpa usually ended up at least turning on the radio even though he didn't like Ron Santo. How I miss those summer nights with the windows open, the trains passing in the background and watching the Cubs - together.

sweetlovingkindness

2007-05-14T21:43:00.000-05:00

Time spent cherishing kindness - I notice I've not spent time in such a way toward myself. I admire simplicity but am cursed, in a fashion with complicated and difficult to manage thoughts. I take time. This is not a complaint but an observation - or could it be a plaintive observation though, in honesty? Or is there such a thing as grateful complaining? I have a friend that is able to, seemingly, summarize life into a simple kick ass and have fun attitude that he encourages. I am just not that reckoning, though I admire it, I take time. I do appreciate a full embrace without guilt or too much thought but I usually end up feeling tortured. A house divided against itself. I have this old painting I did as a color study I think about 10 years ago. I love working with oils, do I have any? No. Who's fault is that - I seem to create plenty of excuses to be a form of miserable or responsible. Where did I get that message that whimsy is a ...a sin? In recent Buddhist study I've started to evaluate the value of embracing desires as that leads to self awareness. But what if I don't want to know - it is a fundamental dislike, distrust that must be ... tempered...I suppose this is a form of it. The image in the painting,I have never wanted framed, in fact I took it OUT of the frame. I was incensed that my "art prof" trapped my image without asking. Whoa, what is THAT about, my theatre prof would likely ask - it's about more than the painting being "framed" no doubt. I am heading to school this fall to study drama therapy within the Master of Theatre department. I am hopeful - though I have mainly been pretty lacking in confidence, extremely nervous and anxious. Really those are good signs - so I've been encouraged - that is living and that is what I am here to do, right!? And that is what I deeply desire to help others understand, hence my own distinct challenges with the matter. Hello!! I guess I challenge Mr. Lincoln - my house has been divided for years and that may be the fundamental challenge for us all to learn to live with the opposing forces within. Though for which do I truly hold allegiance? Although that question leads to judging that the part of me that suffers should be erradicated, no. Shine light where appropriate and embrace the space between, the great abyss. Maybe all the creative and 'absurd artists' are right afterall. I am getting my play back, that is the truth, that is what is guiding me through...

sweetsimplicity

2007-04-26T23:51:00.001-05:00

Oh sweetness! How some games don't fade. Reminded of simplicity's best. Thanks.

something out of 'nothing'

2007-04-13T16:31:00.000-05:00

A young man who was in shelter a couple of weeks made an art display box on a shelf in the dining room. He put clear food cover to protect his creations and those to come. Over the weeks the plastic has been torn down by other youth that have cycled through shelter not knowing the fellow who created it. One of my heart's favorite pieces was this red figure made out of trash bag ties. Yes, trash bag ties. They are plentiful as we just tie the bags with the ends of the bag. He is the first one, in my 3 and 1/2 years at Synergy House that has done such a thing. I loved it and even more that he left it for us. The 2 nights I worked the overnight doing bed checks every 15 minutes, switching hourly with my overnight partner, I took the time truly be in the space. I took some pictures of some of my other notables. This week though I noticed that someone has smooshed the red figure you see here - I pulled it in the office but have not, as yet remolded it. I'm not clear exactly why, it is sort of in the nature of things to be 'created' and then 'destroyed' - it may of been a practice of accepting this. I know the cooked clay, peace sign "ooglie" it a more hardy.

I am off today as my "on-call day off" after a week of carrying the pager. I caught a cold that had been lurking in shelter though I got no picture of it at the 4am hour. It's kind of amazing I don't get funky sick more often with all the possibilities around me - I had to be treated for scabies two times in the last 2 weeks though I had no symptoms and the chances were remote that I would have it. I guess getting a cold is my body's way of demanding rest. Though I didn't get sick as much last year when I was training for the marathon - I have been working out but nowhere near my schedule of last April! I wonder if there is a connection. I certainly was physically and mentally driven towards a goal. Not sure exactly how to harness that again without training for another big race. I am waiting to hear from K-State about my Graduate Teaching Assistantship that will waive my tuition for school. I still can't believe I am heading in that direction. This little dog hangs on the upper left had side of the window into the staff office, kids hang out there often saying --- I need a razor; can I sign out a radio?; I got into Stepping Stone!; she stole my underwear; I finished my chore; can we go out and play basketball; can I make a phone call; my parents don't want me anymore, they are giving me up to the state... while the first part of the last statement may be true giving your child to the state because you are struggling with your adolescent is less of an option. Kids sure do get taken into state custody though I've not been able to discern a reasonable pattern. It continues to amaze me, the resiliency of the youth I have had the honor to know. There are plenty of days that I don't exactly tap into this gratitude but my Nichiren Buddhist practice has helped me to see these last difficult months as an opportunity to continue to be one of the few people in their young lives that says, "You can absolutely do it - I believe in you". You are unstoppable, you are a Buddha infused with dignity, compassion and ultimate wisdom. "This moment is not how the rest of your life will be, but it is up to you." What more is there- I must have hope in the unseen because crisis work does not afford you the happy ending. I do love it. Synergy House has been around for over 35 years I've had the privilege of being there for nearly 4. It just keeps on as long as families need us and the board finds money and the Federal/State grants keep rolling toward us. We are a "lifeline for families in crisis" but it really is what the youth, what the families decide to bring to their circumstances. It is as true for anyone as it is for me. What will I make of this anything?

graveyard?

2007-04-09T23:15:00.000-05:00

Really not sure why overnight shifts are called that anyway. I mean I do have a 'no think' definition but why, really, greaveyard? Anyway I worked Thurs into Fri and Fri into Sat at the shelter...my schedule is a little off to say the least.

wildly decieving

2007-04-04T21:59:00.000-05:00

I found this in the needs closet of the crisis shelter for teens I currently work. It was in a cardboard and plastic package along with a skinny black razor and a 'wooden' toothbrush - an ancient welcome package for the homeless. I just was amazed at this product - what is it? What would you assume if you could not read or never knew that men used brushes to spread shaving cream on their faces. Ah, I was glad of this reminder to maintain my irreverent humor, for I seemed to have lost it along the way in the last several months.

this little flower

2007-04-03T22:33:00.000-05:00

While I was captivated and encouraged by this little flower, I had no idea it is called a Trout Lily! Thank you for deepening the significance. Albeit a common flower, it is only found in early Spring. And also from my mild research I see that only plants that have two leaves will flower. It opens during the day and closes at night and, on occasion, open so brightly the petals curve back - in a great stretch I'd say.

...embodiment...

2007-04-02T23:54:00.000-05:00

Emerson writes:"And so of cheerfulness, or a good temper, the more it is spent, the more of it remains." Cheerfulness is not the same as frivolousness. Cheerfulness is born of a fighting spirit. Frivolousness is the reverse side of cowardly escape. Emerson also said that "power dwells with cheerfulness; hope puts us in a working mood." Without cheerfulness there is no strength. Let us strive to advance still more brightly and cheerfully.
The quote is from SGI President Ikeda's Daily Encouragement for April 1st. Sometimes it helps to remind myself of good times had by all. Hence the photo of a coffee klatch. I am doing the best I can though I know I can always do more in the way of bringing cheer...I think there is room to be frivolous but when the stakes are high, it is working time. Remember that, I say to myself...an image of my grandparents and great grandparents with hope, harvesting corn shall put me to sleep this fine eve. And I will try to smile at my circumstances.

Hope employed

2007-04-01T18:32:00.000-05:00

Here I am today. It is still me, still here in the place I moved almost 4 years ago. I feel like I am facing the most difficult part now, I am a year into truly living alone. The first 6 months or so were buffered by his presence teasing me, though not intentionally, into thinking I wouldn't truly have to do it alone. "Oh, he'll be back"..."This is temporary"... While that may ultimately be true it is taking a lot longer than I dreamed or allowed myself to imagine. The picture is from yesterday's walk - what an image to me - past mixed with present with hope for future growth from the stump that has given what it could until it's end. Reminds me of the Giving Tree, my all time favorite story. I related deeply to the tree on my walk and in the story. Giving, giving - the tree in Shel's story did become sad when the boy seemed to forget him, but I don't think he got angry. I have. As I type that though the tears well up in my heart. All you can do is give - the moment we begin to give for what we might receive the genuiness is deflated. It is so hard to continue to be vulnerable but what other way is there to become real? Like the Velveteen Rabbit:

""What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled."

... I took my camera on my walk today but the batteries were dead - the pics here are from yesterday. This little bird was adjusting to the wind - he was my noncommunicative friend for a moment. I enjoyed him, or her... Today my focus was away from the camera lens and I was forced, in a way, to observe for a different purpose. It is a beautiful day, perfect Spring day. I didn't enjoy it for as long as I could have but I was in it, I can say that. There were all kinds of people at the park today - families and lovers and friends. I observed my mind, lonely and depressed though I lifted for a moment realizing I could in that moment pray for the ultimate happiness of all these people. What else is there? Am I homesick, yes. Am I lonely, indeed, but there is no greater cause than gratitude for the moment. I know the struggle is not over - but I had one concrete moment of compassionate presence. I've noticed loners at the park when I have been there with my nephews and sent him or her a silent prayer of recognition...maybe it is coming back to me. Thank you.
One last thought, prior to my walk today I heard to have joy in the stuggle, no matter what it is is the best approach. It has always felt like a betrayal of some kind to the people or circumstances I miss. How does being sad make it any better for anyone? I really don't want to ask that truly and I am not sure that that is the true question...I guess all it really does is keep me from the moment, the present, where I AM for whatever reason Today.

hope, please

2007-01-15T02:24:00.000-06:00

A spirited recovery I must say is in order. I am now free to run, doctor's blessing. Never thought it would be an activity that I would rely upon for sanity, assuming I want that. I miss my hungry writer more than I can stand at times.... gigantic pause because my heart is teetering on disintergration or pulsation. What does courage to stand alone equate to anyway - if you lose the security of familiarity born in history of experience? We have struggled immesurably together and witnessed a rainbow in the sky on a day that seemed the most bleak. What is this mystery that guides us - it asks nothing but to be embraced.

open the gates

2006-12-11T22:08:00.000-06:00

I've been hijacked by myspace. And I've only been using this site to direct family to go to my Flickr site. As a result, I may have decreased my chances of a total lack of censorship, oh well. Hi Grandma! Seriously, I feel ashamed - downright neglecting of my little sacred blogspace and of the few of you that have humbled me with your comments. You guys have given me more genuine encouragement thus far than all my myspace world. Or maybe my expectations were more pure here. Myspace has served to provide some, well, interesting reconnects with old pals and seduced me with new information on music... I digress, that the last year or so of my life has been much more intentional with healthy risk taking. The man I moved from NC to KC, MO to be near moved back to NC. A frontal attack on learning how to be alone, what a gift. I love you. I embraced a new religion, one that does not subjugate women or dull one's mind in the fashion of an "opiate" for any mass. I trained for and ran a marathon, raising funds for LLS. I finally accepted the effects of my pendulous breasts on my body and psyche which resulted in an insurance provider approved reduction mammoplasty 5 weeks ago. I've not been able to keep up the running though I stepped through the door of a lifelong relationship - if I choose to muster the courage to start again when I am able. I am beginning to address, through physical therapy, some mechanical disadvantages I have in my hips and knee when walking or running. I've thrown out all uncomfortable shoes. I decided not to get my Master's in Social Work and instead I have applied to get my M.A. in Theatre with a concentration in Drama Therapy. We'll see if I get the Graduate Assistantship to teach. I am scared out of my mind over this, how exciting. I've "myspaced" into my first true crush after nearly 10 years. I guess that is was it was? A crush, though in the blinded nature of my sophomoric memory I still wonder if it was love, though unrequited! I've held firmly that it was and is a type of love. Perhaps this is an opportunity to reclaim some sense of hope in that someone can be fundamentally interesting to you and maybe better so from a distance, but you ultimately care that they are protected...and I do, my friend. I am learning what it means to protect someone though it may be 'inconvenient'... oh, a whole host of potential misunderstandings here. I have come off of Prozac now for 6 weeks after using it as a viable tool since I was 17 - I turned 30 on November 4th people. All of these areas of my life have had thorough effects on my emotions that warrant it's own journaling, as it were, but here is a start. I welcome now my brave, yet vulnerable spirit as when I first started this blog.

this was affirming in some dillusional fashion.

2006-09-30T10:52:00.000-05:00

How hilarious, truly posted 12/11/06 but I saved this as a draft 9/30/06.

You Are 32% Addicted to Myspace

Your Myspace addiction factor is: Low

You're a typical casual Myspace user... you know what it's all about, but you haven't been sucked in (yet)!

Are You Addicted to Myspace?

And now for my next post...

. . .heheyeyeayeah!. . .

2006-09-28T21:41:00.000-05:00

How beautiful, really. I remember my dad tossing me around in the pool and how my energy radiated with the flush of adrenaline. Our cosmically creative connection I thoroughly enjoyed and do still in it's present form - as dad no longer throws me around in the air in literal fashion, that's cool papa. But now my dear older brother is offering this experience to one of sons as captured in the photo. Absolute trust. Absolute fun. Nothing to do with vodka, just plain old, pure and absolute revelry in the rhythm and relationship of life. Go! Go, Dog Go! Continue to approach life with all you have sweet nephew and may we see one another very soon.

that's It

2006-09-21T23:33:00.000-05:00

Postdate 9/21/06 but posted truly on 12/11/06 - my fascination has only increased. Clara Bow immortalized and ultimately related to my disfunction via my Irish lineage on my Grandmother's side. Makes me feel better knowing my artistic crisis can exist in in the ether with a woman who lived her true performance nature out of a simple desire to survive.

seriously folks, laugh a little

2006-09-21T01:28:00.000-05:00

Your Pirate Name Is...

Mad Sweet Waters

What's Your Pirate Name?

Aye! I have been so cranky and kind; and morbid and hopeful; wistful and active . . . ebb and flow and ebb and FLOW! dammit. Really, I did have a bit of a momentary breakthrough as I realized that if I do not renew my commitment to my job, hence the youth I work with, this next year is going to be a state of hell. Then I had a brief surge of excitement, as I felt before I started thinking too much, about my future plan to apply to KSU. How brilliant the reality to be near the play again, for it tis the thing! All sorts of the word play rocks my world when I don't think too much - how can I be more playful in my work and still get case management done? Maybe I need to talk to a surgeon, why that profession came to mind I am not exactly sure -- well, except I got rid of cable and the only two channels I get are the BBC and Discovery Health *the latter would be the culprit. I have decided to not run the Marathon in Honolulu in Dec. 2007 since I much to prepare for in the coming year - my "Buddha wisdom" gave me the insight there, as my dear friend Shoko pointed out - hmm, maybe I am growing somehow even if some days/weeks/months I largely am just swirling around in the mire of my own mind's machinations. Lately I've had some thoughts that I need to learn to be more defiant like oh, say a PIRATE. But I am afraid I am not good at being a "bad kitty" - I think I'll just work on getting to work on time and attempt to relearn running for my own sake instead of for a fundraising mission for now. . . Avast, I'll sleep first.

”Exercise is for people who can’t handle drugs and alcohol” - Lily Tomlin

take a listen . . .

2006-07-21T22:52:00.000-05:00

Hungry Blues
Langston Hughes

Folks I've got them hungry blues
And nothin' in this to lose
People tellin' me to choose
Between dyin' and lyin' and keep
on cryin'

Tired of them hungry blues
Listen ain't you heard the news
There's another thing to choose
A brand new world clean and fine
Where nobody's hungry
And there's no color line
A thing like that's worth
anybody dyin'
I ain't got a thing to lose
But them doggone hungry blues

as recorded June15, 1939

. . . Aloha, the truest sense . . .

2006-07-18T15:06:00.000-05:00

". . .the origin of the word “aloha” was brought up. Most mainlanders think of it as hello and goodbye. But there is much more to it. “Ha” means the breath of life and “Alo” means to share. So “aloha” literally means to share the breath of life. True Hawaiians often greet each other not with a handshake, but by pressing their foreheads together and exhaling…and sharing the breath of life…aloha. So, what better place to go and run a celebratory anniversary marathon than Hawaii. God knows we will all be breathing our little lungs out during those grueling 26.2 miles…raising money for a great cause and sharing the breath of life. After all, isn’t that what this fundraising really does?" This written in an email from my friend Brandee - she is quite convincing in a severely sincere fashion. I look forward to this process of fundraising and seeing how we accomplish our financial goal in support of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. So, with my fabulous girlfriends I am Hawaii bound for the Honolulu Marathon in December 2007 folks.

The next time we meet, my friend you better bet our foreheads will meet in wild communion of this life. Aloha.

please don't go. . .

2006-07-16T18:39:00.000-05:00

The Red Panda, historically found in the mountains of Nepal; northeastern India and Bhutan; into China, Laos and Myanmar. They are found today only in small patches due to poaching for their fur and loss of habitat due deforestation. They rely entirely on bamboo for food but people are buildig more and more houses in China for example that the number of Red Pandas is natutally depleting. I met this species today on Animal Planet - Today I am indulging especially in TV since I am getting rid of cable. I found the picture you see here from a Flickr fella who spent time in the Himalayas where the picture was taken. I love finding out about new animals - it is fascinating and fun, but it is sobering too. . .

united laughter

2006-07-16T01:00:00.000-05:00

What genius to make music to guide the heart through heavy to lightness. And what joy in a friend's sharing the experience with grins larger than our mouths could bend. To take a chance, find a rhythm that works for you and blend it in with others, accessing melodic memory of, "we've known each other, soul sister".

The light structure of a harmonica strong enough to lead a pack of hungry humans hoping for nourishment that lasts a while. Rusted Root gathered us in KC for the evening as Sarah and I ducked out on a high after hearing Send Me On My Way -- I said I'd be good if I at least heard the anthem before leaving to see our funny man Jeff Temple at Comedy City.

We have the distinct pleasure of working with Jeff at Synergy House. This man is bound to comedy which is a welcome factor while supporting teenagers/families who are dealing with tragedy and crisis. It is glorious to me how open our options become when one allows a smirk, a grin or a smile to infuse the soul with an alternative, lighter view of the situation. It is part of honoring our Buddha nature. For those of us who serve in the shelter not to burn out of compassion, we all must sign on to utilize the universal medicine. The one medicine that the FDA does not regulate openly. Laughter should be added to the food pyramid anyway.

. . . everything . . .

2006-07-13T23:36:00.000-05:00

. . . but nothing to say here. My nephew speaks for himself.

...R'N'R...

2006-07-03T01:39:00.001-05:00

Above title alluding to both the Rock 'N' Roll Marathon on June 4, 2006 in San Diego, CA and to the old fashioned, unplanned type of Rest and Relaxation I've been cuddling up to as of late. The 26.2 was quite a trip - there's no joke to the post marathon blues. My life though is delivering other projects but none as emotionally and physically encompassing. Team Warrior was a delight - I lucked out with a most sincerely supportive mentor that saw me from the start to the finished. I've discovered the beauty of taking on this kind of monumental challenge while maintaining my sense of humor. No Phidippidean ending for me.

It was wonderful to have my mother, sister and myself in one place, without LLS I can't imagine us deciding to take time off to be together like that. Valerie gave the seasoned racer's perspective as she provided the following: festive visors for all 'team pilar' participants (including my dad and step-mom, Denise), running with me on Friday, taking pics, putting together my race bib/medical tag on my shoe and in general being there at every turn with an indefatigable smile. The list goes on and on. . .

While mother, my wise 'medical coach', mentioned before my TNT coach did that I'd need salt packets for the run... We did. Mom gave some sage advice - "you may want to quit at some point, that's the time to get tough". How has she managed to send that message at seminole moments in my life - when I did indeed want to turn in, turn off or turn around?

And meet my father folks. . . giving you the one eyed laugh. . . he does this when he is particularly tickled. He supported my endeavor from the drop and continues to do so in mind bending fashion. His support was intregral through my bouts of doubts, listening and encouraging that I would make the right choice for my level of endurance. He now needs to buy stock in Asics or Brooks - that dilemma is still out.

And Jennifer, some friends you pick up right where you left off last time you saw them. She is such a sister pestering at times when I need it and utterly supportive...glad to share the event with you.

endurance

2006-05-05T19:41:00.000-05:00

Thursday May 4,2006

Our team had lunch with Michael and his family last Sunday. His mom Suzan wrote in an email to our mentor group:
"Thank you again for your commitment, it is support from people like you that will hopefully alleviate this disease and end the suffering so many have had to endure." It is hard for me to imagine what Michael, now a young man, suffered as a child. And the battle between belief and desperation his mother waged. It is amazing to me

TRAINING UPDATE: As of today, a total of 230 training miles complete. Also I've completed what equates 4 half marathons - 14, 16, 18 and 20 miles. I must say 20 really felt different than 18, I feel like I may have hit a threshold or something. I guess this is why only 1 percent or so of the world's population participate in marathons. I'm sure there are other indigenous people that have gone further distances on foot in search of fresh water or a doctor - we'll honor them here. Even still this is a huge project to undertake - wow. I think I must be a little nuts, I would never have thought of doing this were it not for the cause. I pray the universe recognizes that with rain of mercy. I am getting anxious for the race - I hope I keep together. We all just never know what our lives will hold, but certainly my concept of 'endurance' has altered a bit. peace and love to you and yours.

http://www.active.com/donate/tntmida/tntmidaPDAsto

Can you get more peace filled than this?

2006-04-17T17:49:00.000-05:00

The "sleeping baby on the chest" brand of picture never seems to get old to me, epecially when you get to snooze with the baby. It is a trust, a cozy treaty of relaxation and understanding that all is right with the world. I hope my nephew, Webber has cellular memory of the comfort I provided him in this early stage. Through his existence I now understand what "cooing" means.

I hope too that Miles will appreciate the wonder of his little brother and recall at 'difficult' times in their relation the memory of his preciously expressed awe this day.

And that Noah won't mind that that day, I let him open the yogurt by himself.

I love you boys and miss you too.

A Happenin'

2006-02-23T00:39:00.000-06:00

Photos taken by one of the youth that had been in the crisis shelter -- she was mystified by the sky that day and I 'happened' to have my camera.

She was especially proud of the pic on top - she spotted Kansas City in the distance. She has grown so much since first coming to shelter and I am in awe of her accomplishments. How is it when a youth who has seen so much choas - drugs, vanishing mom and a friend who recently committed suicide find time in her mind to see other than her pain. Amazing resiliency we all can embody if we choose.

Clint-spiration

2006-02-14T22:28:00.000-06:00

...amazing, this morning two people got on the elevator with me, a young lady and a young man - she sighed at me saying, "I'm preparing mentally for the 3 block walk to my car." It is true, if you get home after 4:30 you will most likely be parking towards the back of the lot and I admit getting annoyed sometimes at having to walk 'so far'. I slowly responded that the "3 blocks" don't seem much to me since I have started training for a Marathon with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's Team In Trainig. I was surprised that she knew the program and had almost signed up at one time but she doubted she could raise the money. I told her, as I believe, things happen as they do for a reason and she could still give it a shot. As I am walking through the parking lot I notice the young man catching up with me, "Hey, did you say you did something for the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society?" I answered with affirmation and a smile. It turns out that Clint's father has Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma which "is excrutiating" - it turns all lymph nodes to cancerous tumors. He explained some of the treatment his dad gets such as a doctor regularly "drilling into his hip"- and added that without the research, although woefully short of a cure, his dad "would not be alive had he been diagnosed 5 years ago". He shared that he had designed a t-shirt for a local breast cancer run and he noted, "It's amazing how many people show up at those events". I asked him what his Dad's name is, "Kurt". Clint shook my hand, smiled warmly and thanked me for participating in raising funds for research toward a cure. My day could not have started better, thanks. . .

untapped

2006-02-11T22:06:00.000-06:00

. . . what are you determined to do? who are you determined to be? what is your mission? do you make it all count? hope is all we have and possibility is worth vigilance over . . .

embark

2006-02-09T00:03:00.000-06:00

. . . I choose to move differently through the world. Breathe deep and change my perspective toward a unified goal of goodness. Many bodies, one mind toward joy. It is too easy to rest perpetually into the foggy bottom of existence - without that extreme of my 'fundamental darkness'/challenge I'd would never have known it . . .

WriterMotherWifeHer-e you go. . .

2006-01-19T19:41:00.000-06:00

. . . Thank you for the invite to play this game. . . Here is the jingle jangler that has haunted me since my summers in Chicago at my dad's -- "588-2300 EMPIRE" short, sweet and it was bound to take over the nation as it is now "800-588-2300". Go here to experience, please.

What game did I cheat? Well, when I went to confession, which of course was mandatory in the Roman Catholic sphere of things. I made up that I cheated playing "Sorry" with my brothers. How ironic. Then I did 2 "Hail Mary's", an "Our Father" and a "Glory Be".

Most certainly the song that I sang over and over incorrectly was: Footloose.
I thought it was Fruitloops. One, the title of the movie was in cursive so how did I know? And it is one of my fav sugar cereals - I loved singing it over and over again.
"Fruitloops, Fruitloops - kick off your Sunday shoes. . ."

I don't have the laughtracked sitcom, stereotypical, create embarassing situations for their own amusement parents. Although my most recent embarassing moment was attempting to show my nephew, Miles how to rock a slide properly. I grossly underestimated the innate speed this slide had and leaned back taking air off the end of it. This was a rather large jungle gym though, the slide was long enough to have a few dips which my mother said I took air on each one before shooting off the end into the sandy clutches where children stood laughing and pointing. Miles did not take his turn. . .

laundry day, please

2006-01-08T15:40:00.000-06:00

. . . Would I be more likely to get my laundry done were I living in a tropical paradise? Then one would assume there would be fewer clothes to contend with than say living in ordinary Kansas City with mountains of body layering items. I have mountains of dirty clothes/sheets at the moment, only because it seems that at present I loathe the ordinary chores that come with ‘human beingdom’. But I wonder too if I had different circumstances – like in the past having my grandmother to hang out with and talk to while working on household chores – motivation for my own sake is eluding me.
Or a simple dream of being a part of a group of ladies in Nepal that actually have no electricity but smiles on anyway because it is a nice day and there is a bucket to hold water. At the least I do have the luxury of coin - operated laundry a mere jaunt from my apartment door - literally on my floor. Granted too it is Sunday and Floor 8 will be impatiently vying for washers and dryers as opposed to gathering to soak, wash and fold while sharing truisms.

Or my situation could be too that I have a lot of little kid clothes to add to my own – but that is a different story isn’t it? That would be altering my external stimuli or the environment, which would assume my actions would alter too, in a positive direction. The truth is that I need to learn to honor my present environment thereby having my actions follow in a way that encourages who I am NOW not in the past or future or any other dream state, but for what I am this instant . . .

El coche

2006-01-07T23:59:00.000-06:00

. . . I flippin’ love my bed – comfort is wonderful, but it can become too much. The body gets softer and softer as the mind grows dim without the balance of activity and life’s challenges. Ah, if the challenges could be arranged like my soft bed – the cotton sheets so worn it feels like silk as my toes glide across them and my goose-down enveloping me as it marries perfectly my quilt Grandma made for me. . . if I got to choose my life’s challenges for myself, the greatest would be wearing flannel pj’s on flannel sheets, the Velcro effect. . . cause and effect. . . I am realizing now that most of my effects I actually do cause. It’s deep. There is simplicity though, in certain activity that keeps me prepared for events that otherwise I would ultra-avoid if I peered only at life from my bed. Activity that moves the body – not work, that’s not it, although invaluable, I mean some athletic expression of one’s body. Granted I discovered recently that I do envy my friend who lives in NYC that walks at least 2 miles a day merely approaching her daily ‘grind’. Although it is great to be so unintentional about exercise, rather to live in an environment that naturally requires more physical effort – I wonder then if it would be less crucial to seek out other opportunities to work out the mind, body and spirit with intention? How lazy I now feel having a car, but oh how I cherish my extra sleep in the morning, thanks car! Every choice has it's cost, of course. . .

Sickn'moan

2005-12-18T18:57:00.000-06:00

. . . “nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen. . . “ One of the worst things about living alone – rather being in a city by myself essentially is when I get sick. The best guess I have for my torture was deciding, in a famished state mind you, to eat some highly suspicious food prepared by a pubescent boy who had never cooked before. Although supervised, it is not entirely impossible that he forgot to scrub under his fingernails lest I consider a more basic expectation - soap and warm water. It is not an uncommon scenario though for ‘culinary arts’ is one of the chores that each youth rotates through while in shelter. So, I have bacteria to blame and not some ‘fabulous’ party for my late night yakking and subsequent moans of misery throughout the next day. Then again, had I partied with Diddy, my misery would have been compounded by the guilt of imbibing and most likely smoking my head off. The ironic news is that I had been prepared at 8PM for a champagne get together with a friend that I felt as though she forgot about until I heard from her at 10:45 PM with the news that her cat was throwing up . . . – damn, if only the feline had been with me I’d of felt a little less lonely perhaps. Wish I could afford a dog though – man, too many years without the ever-loving canine presence. There is something in the minutia of how life is lived in the sick times and health that makes it more bearable. Sounds like the marriage promise -- maybe going through various obstacles alone helps to solidify my end of the bargain. Rather could it actually prepare a person in a more callous fashion to not bring merciful love when your lover is ill since you get used to doing it alone? I guess I’d take the dog over the risk of having a lover be callous when I am sick. “ . . . nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen - but I suppose they got enough of their own . . . “

count me in -

2005-12-14T23:29:00.000-06:00

. . . dear me, how are you today? I had the most fulfilling day reminding me why I work with teenagers. How irreverent and romantic they are – it is so amazing and annoying sometimes working in a shelter. But today I was so thrilled by my youth – the courage in the face of so many shifty, immature adults pretending to be parents. This includes guardians that are working for the state – all too often I run into workers who are so burnt out, is it? I don’t know. I try and to be so mindful of my self-care so as not to react but rather respond in each moment to each youth. I certainly don’t respond perfectly all the time but as soon as I realize my impatience I let the youth know because I’ve learned that they respect that. But dear me, I can only protect them from so much and explain away insecure actions led by attention seeking adults. I think that the parents are the ones that need runaway shelters and the front door will read: “Accountability Thru Empathy” . . . but I’ll still hang out with their kids though – Oh, dear me . . .

honestme

2005-12-12T20:22:00.000-06:00

. . . surreptitiously is the word that came to me in the fog of my anxiety collapsing my heart today. . . thank God I took a moment to allow the word to arrive. What clandestine patterns my mind has set up generally, to protect me from certain truths. It is a necessary mechanism to survive through events in order to do just that, survive. But how do I make this moment whole? It is like a wave, these occasions in my life arriving like staging a scene or two only to roll back into the ocean of my unconscious mind. Breathe. My heart hurts today and I feel like all I can do is sit with it until the fog absorbs and my heart lifts honestly . . .

Atjesusman

2005-12-11T23:15:00.000-06:00

. . . to travel from a Surya Vinyasa class where conversation ranged from John Lennon to Atman then to attend Mass at the Immaculate Heart of Conception where it was repeated that Jesus is the only way to God caused me to feel perforated but curious at my new mind. The Church of my mother – the Church of my life’s most consistent religious experience now holds holes that I see from a wanderer’s perspective. I feel fed at yoga – not as completely in every class as I do in this particular Sunday class I attend and I yearn to experience more. How can I relate Jesus to my yoga and further to my recent discovery of Mahayana Buddhism? I feel this objective point of view at times that allows me to see my experience without judgment but it takes practice and effort to be kind and clear with my intention. It is like my life, my world as the sky and my thoughts the clouds that continue to change but the truth remains no matter my wanderings – whatever the words or experience I decide to fulfill my need. The truth is, my universe is Yours and “nothing’s gonna change my world” as John sang with utter, comfortable clarity. I won’t figure it out today which way is ‘right’ – it’s only what incites me on to life that I will follow without the pressure . . .

now is the time

2005-12-11T00:51:00.000-06:00

. . .just like I've been writing forever, but now it is on my trusty G4 steed posted on a website. It’s nice though now to use an alternate form for thought and prayer, I’ll never outgrow my journal by my bed and the feel of a pen across the page as catharsis for my experience. . .